| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2009|01:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
i have an honest-to-goodness tan for the first time since i was 19. go me.
it's thursday. i'm back at work on monday. i never want to go back to work. can i just have unlimited free money please? thanks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2009|02:05 pm] |
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i'm bored and lonely and broke. what a bad combination. but it's necessary if i'm going to get my shit together enough to move to austin in the fall. why can't everything be free? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2009|06:32 pm] |
so d showed me this owen benjamin clip like...a year ago and i just wanted to share it.
...all over town. literally. all over town. in every town. |
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| survey |
[May. 2nd, 2009|03:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
i feel guilty for over-surveying on myspace. but in all honesty i'll porbably re-post this one there in a couple days so d can take it to. ha.
1. Do you know what you're getting yourself into?:
no
2. Name or Pseudonym:
Cara King
3. Do you like your name? If not, why?:
I never really cared for having a gender-specific last name, but its okay.
4. How many surveys have you answered in the last six months?:
about 700
5. Would any of the results have gotten you arrested if published?:
possibly, probably not in california though.
6. (? missing..)
okay.
7. Who is your favorite former member of SNL?:
Either Phil Hartman or Mike Myers
8. What color is your hair (on your head)?:
auburn with blond roots starting to come in. i have to get my hair done but the jusy's out on if i should stay red or go back to blond.
9. Is this a natural phenomenon, or the work of chemicals?:
the blond is natural.
10. Did you notice I skipped over question 6 entirely?:
Nothing gets past me.
11. What time do you think it is in Utah right now?:
5ish?
12. Are you confused yet?:
not really
13. Are you superstitious about the number 13?:
no i'm superstitious about the number 34
14. What would you be if 13 wombats bit you 13 times within 13 hours?:
...
15. Do these pants make me look fat?:
"no, your fat ass makes you look fat"
16. Can you whistle a tune through your teeth?:
i can't whistle period.
17. What is the best Christmas present you've ever received?:
i can't think of anything off the top of my head. so whatever it was was sorely under-appreciated.
18. Was it stolen?:
uh...no
19. How many fingers am I holding up?:
3
20. Have you ever tried Paul Newman's salad dressing?:
yes
21. Did you know that all of the profits go to charity?:
mhmm
22. Do you care?:
i appeciate it.
23. How many times a day do you brush your teeth?:
3-6
24. Are you aware when this is happening, or is it automatic?:
I'm aware
25. What is your least favorite Beatles song?:
Octopus's Garden. Ringo should just give up on trying to write songs and stick to drumming.
26. Have you ever seen an actual Playstation 2?:
Yes. who hasn't?
27. Have you ever seen the rain?:
yes
28. Can you feel the love tonight?:
sure
29. What would you do if I sang out of tune?:
I would stand up and walk out on you.
30. Did you get the song references in the previous three questions?:
Yes
31. Do you know who Rex Harrison is?:
Not a clue
32. Are you glad there are only 10 more questions?:
I wish there were more
33. If you could eliminate hunger for only one country, what would it be?:
hm. the u.s. because i'm just that self centered.
34. Was that an unfair question, or what?:
eh, maybe a little unfair but this is america.
35. Do you feel that the time you've spent answering these questions is a moment of your life you wish you could get back but can't because it's gone forever in the never-ending forward march of time?:
No, I truly have nothing better to do.
36. So, what are you wearing?:
black flats, knee-high nylons, black pinstriped slacks, a black lacy camisole and a red sweater.
37. Do you like wearing socks, are you wearing some now?
socks are fun.
38. Did you feel that way the last time you watched Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn in a romantic comedy? Together?:
did i feel which way? the same way i feel about socks? I don't really like steve martin at all.
39. Who would you rather hang out with, Regis Philbin or Jerry Springer?:
Regis, cuz at least maybe i could talk him into giving me some money.
40. If you had to choose, what other country would you choose to live in?:
probably france
41. Do you sing in the shower, in the car, or both?:
just the car
42. Which Wayans brother, if any, is the funniest?:
none
and also...
[spell your name backwards] araC
[where do you live] ca
[describe yourself in three words] tired/avoidant/cold
[who is your worst enemy] probably myself
[if you could have ANY animal for a pet, what would it be] hmm. i think if i could train it well, a racoon would be very handy and clever. and i <3 their little stripes.
[have you ever used a spork] all the time
[do you even know what a spork is] who doesn't?
[what is the latest that you've ever stayed up] um... i stayed up for like a good two days in a row one time and i was mighty incoherent by the time day 2 was over.
[ever been to Belgium] no but don't they make the famously good waffles?
[what's your favourite coin] i like quarters. they buy the most, are easiest to count, easiest to dig out of the change part of my wallet and come in all the pretty different stately varieties....
[wallet] i only have one wallet. its black and leathery.
[hairbrush] my big wooden paddle brush i got from the body shop that makes my hair all nice and straight.
[toothbrush] any blue one where the bristles look really complicated cuz i'm convinced the more complicated the bristles the more work it does for my teeth.
[jewellry worn daily] i don't wear any jewelry daily. i wear a silver chain necklace with a padlock on it from tiffany's quite often though.
[pillow cover] it's flannel and its navy blue and beige.
[blanket] i'm over this survey
[coffee cup] my favorite mug for Tea is the blue one with the ridges cuz it holds more than the rest and is sturdiest.
[sunglasses]whichever $10 gas station sun glasses look okay and i haven't lost yet
[underwear]i have a pair of black lacy boy-short style ones i'm partial to. if any.
[shoes] my black patent shiny heels that i'm wearing out tonight.
[keychain] my keychain has a huge bottle opener on it and like 15 keys of which i only know where about 4 of them go.
[cologne] aqua di gio or polo sport
[in my head] the last verse of fall at your feet by neil finn where hes all "the finger of blame has turned upon itself/ and i'm more than willing to offer myself/do you want my presence or need my help???/...who knows where that might lead..."
[hearing] my dogs gfetting into trouble downstairs
[wishing] that i was in a better mood
[after this] chores i've been avoiding
[talking to]nada |
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| and ps |
[Apr. 26th, 2009|09:35 pm] |
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i'm watching "daisy of love" on vh1 right now. someone please shoot me. |
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| repost from 2002--much of this is still applicable today |
[Apr. 22nd, 2009|06:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
was going through some of my old notebooks/journals. i found this list that danielle and i made circa october2000...about a month or so before i met nick.we used to share a notes journal to write in when we were bored in class in high school. some of these are silly or only applicable to us but i thought it was kind of funny and i'm super bored so i thought i'd share it. note-the list isn't in any particular order except the order we thought of them in. you can say it's an importance thing if you wanna be freudian about it.
The Ideal Man
1.Not overly muscular.
2.not hairy
3.clean cut
4.showers daily
5.dresses well-- matches, clothes fit properly
6.straightforward
7.honest
8.outgoing
9.taller than me (me means us but us sounds like the ideal man would theoretically share us. or something. so we wrote me.)
10.at least 1 month older than me.
11.not druggished. weed is an exception. the occasional acid or shrooms are also okay. emphasis on occasional.
12.has a job- indicates responsibility
13. has a car
14.has stories to tell
15. doesn't smoke
16.doesn't keep secrets from me
17.has at least 2 of his OWN friends
18.not "the jealous type"
19.not homeless this one refers to jesse, i think
20.likes purple skittles
21.can be goofy
22.has plans for the future
23.can manage to hold a phone conversation for more than 5 minutes.
24.not clingy
25. not a virgin.
26.likes or at least tolerates rock music
27.not controlling
28.has had at least one significant relationship before me
29.doesn't push away or sugarcoat truths
30. likes animals
31.does at least 1 athletic thing (skateboarders are sexy)
32.i like musicians and surfers too. in retrospect, i don't know if this even counts as a rule
33. has some quirks.
34.has no kids/has never gotten anyone pregnant
35.would back up his friends/believes in loyalty this one refers to carl and the guy danielle was dating at the time
36.likes to chill. can sit and just watch tv sometimes.
37.can cook.
38.likes/wants kids..someday..futuristically speaking.
39.doesn't move all fastlike and rushed...sexually.
40.likes to talk
41.doesn't take himself too seriously
42.shares my sense of humor
43.likes to try new things, surprise people, be surprised
44.can appreciate a good poem, quote, or song lyric
45.is enthusiastic
46.doesn't whine or complain about everything hella ...this was in reference to adam
47.has read at least one book he liked
48.if he read catcher in the rye...he had to have liked it.
49.didn't like huck finn, or at least not the ending.
50.okay with gay people/not at all homophobic. appreciate the gay men, it means you don't have to come shopping with us at often.
51.willing to learn and expand as a person.
52.can bask in the perfection of a good moment
53.knows how to spell the word sweet.
54. likes that i'm independent
55.life isn't solely motivated by one thing (raves, drugs, aol, me, money..)
56. considerate
57.understands that yeah, everyone is selfish. but still believes in companionship.
58. has loved SOMETHING before me.
59.is athiest or doesn't care that i am
60.doesn't have a terminal illness upon our meeting.
61.not more than 3-4 years older than me
62.has at least a high school education
63.kisses well. we went into greater detail here but it's more of a conversation than a list so i won't include it except for one major one:kisses with eyes closed. open-eyes kisses freak me out.
64.likes to cuddle
65. likes the sun
66.easygoing/flexible
67.doesn't fucking freak out about me having guy friends. mostly guy friends, at that.
68.gets along with my friends.
69.not racist.
70.wants to know all about me
71.takes my side in arguments with my family
72.relishes freedom at the time this was written..one of mine and danielle's favorite words was relish
73.likes sublime and rancid.
74.gets along with his parents, or at least one of them.
75.likes nighttime. specifically, 2 am.
76.wants to teach me things/take me places
77.enjoys the cara and danielle show i can't explain what the cara and danielle show is. but it takes patience to truly enjoy. carl would always try to be part of the show. that's impossible. the best anyone could get at the time was a guest starring role. the show sort of refers to our friendship in general. but its more than that.
78.thought american beauty was good.
79.likes to sleep in late
80.lets me control the radio in the car, and the remote for the tv.
81.is on time, and calls when he won't be
82.remembers important dates
83.can see the humor in seizures ...this refers to the cara and danielle show. i can't really explain it.
84.thinks the elderly are adorable
85.keeps his own independence
86. goes down. for real.
87. doesn't want his girlfriend to replace his mother
....reading this list makes me want to make a new list and see what's changed in my values in the past 10 years. |
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| :o( |
[Apr. 20th, 2009|10:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
my dad is sick. and the doctors aren't sure what it is yet. and i'm really really really scared. i've been crying a lot.
he looks all emaciated....he's lost about 20 lbs in the past month. his stomach is all distended and his ankles are swollen.
i'm really really scared. it feels like danielle's dad part 2. i'm trying not to fear the worst but i've never seen my dad look like this. i've never seen him look unhealthy.
it's weird how things that are completely out of your control happen to the best people. it can make you feel so small.
i feel like the weight of the world is crashing onto me and there's nothing i can do. helpless. which makes me think of how He must feel. i know he's weak and in pain. he's cold all the time and he has no appetite. he's getting ulcers and his legs are retaining water....
this is soooo fucked. |
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| i posted this a long time ago and it just made me laugh so..re-post |
[Apr. 13th, 2009|11:09 pm] |
The 17 reasons women fail in bed
1.MILKING IT
When stroking a guy's dick, don't grab it like a rail and start jerking it like you're milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen arms. The organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped, held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not 2/3 of the way down.
2. ROBOTS
When sucking a guy's dick, don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT
If you've come and don't scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to tell the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his load whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with my white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance won't enhance it. Be grateful you've got a guy who can speak in whole sentences.
5.</b> CLOSING UP</b>
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this moment of joy and love with him. Semen isn't likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases- but this is a risk you should be willing to take for his joy.
6. POOR PRESENTATION
Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7. HANGING AROUND
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he doesn't want to touch you. You should leave the bed. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8.BEING SHY
Always offer the chocolate highway. You know you love It. If you don't like it, still offer it as you can easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10. CLOCK-WATCHING
Never even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon?" If you're blowing him, you'd have to take your mouth off to ask the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should've gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This isn't a time trial but an act of union
between two sexually aware human beings.
11. FISHING
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had most men have had so many partners that it's unlikely you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such a thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex isn't a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard, skillful work. We don't mind that and we've got the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13.</b> BEING POSSESSIVE </b>
If you're lucky to have a creative lover who can satisfy two women at once don't sneer at or reject his suggestion that one of your friends joins you. If he's a real man he's probably doing her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON
Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you trim, go for a nice racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models your man would rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT
When a man has gone to so much trouble to aim his cum right into your mouth, it's rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Bazooka, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like, "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a nice finale to fun and games.
16. BEING UNGRATEFUL
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he's used making love to you - especially if, a) it lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it's always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVOURS
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors. As he drops off into well-deserved sleep, don't ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, sofa, BMW, country cottage?" There is a name for the
practice of mixing sex with material gain -prostitution. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2009|02:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
I'm hungry. my back hurts. i woke up alone today and went back to sleep and woke up still alone and i hate that.
and how i'm going to eat my shitty nutrisystems food and smoke my now more expensive than they were a week ago cigarettes and read my entirely too wordy for my taste book. i am sooo depressed today.
fucking pms. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2009|05:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | irritated | ] |
my poor poor dog. he's a little frankenstein. about a dozen staples holding his leg together and walking like a tripod. and he has a cone around his neck. which keeps him from ripping out his staples, but he hates it. so he's confined to his crate until he gets his staples out. which isn't for about a week. and he's on limited movement for 6 weeks after that, but at least no more cone head or staples.
and his won't be at full recovery for nearly 5 months. every time i walk in the room he starts whimpering so i can agree with him that it's a shitty ass situation.
and i resent him right now because it's perfect, beautiful weather this weekend but he needs so much supervision that i haven't been able to enjoy myself. it definitely makes me feel like i don't want to have kids any time soon.
i'm burnt out. i want to have a relaxing, sunny, fun day with like a bbq, and gossip magazines, and fun people and good music. i'm resentful that my backyard faces east and so the only sun we get is from about 7-9 am and then for the rest of the time, either my house or the house behind my house casts a shadow over the yard. i can't even lay in the sun in my own flipping backyard and check in on jeffrey every half hour or so. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2009|01:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | all american rejects- gives you hell | ] |
Dear Scorpio,
Here is your horoscope for
Saturday, March 21:
A friend or loved one explodes in rage or something similar today, leaving you scrambling to figure out what happened. It's one of those things that might never make sense, try as you might.
okay i will take jeromie's advice because i think that all makes sense. i wish i was much more zen person. much more "cool calm and collected." i have over-thought evrything for an entire week now and i'm basically in knots inside and on the verge of a panic attack. which makes me feel like i should slap myself and tell myself to snap out of it because when i take a step back i can see it's really honestly not that big of a deal. but i've built the significance of it up so much in my mind that i'm having a hard time with being all stoic. |
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| this one hit me pretty hard |
[Mar. 18th, 2009|09:09 pm] |
The Airborne Toxic Event - "Sometime Around Midnight"
And it starts, sometime around midnight.
Or at least that’s when you lose yourself
for a minute or two.
As you stand, under the bar lights.
And the band plays some song
about forgetting yourself for a while.
And the piano’s this melancholy soundtrack to her smile.
And that white dress she’s wearing
you haven’t seen her for a while.
But you know, that she’s watching.
She’s laughing, she’s turning.
She’s holding her tonic like a cross.
The room’s suddenly spinning.
She walks up and asks how you are.
So you can smell her perfume.
You can see her lying naked in your arms.
And so there’s a change, in your emotions.
And all these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind.
Of the curl of your bodies,
like two perfect circles entwined.
And you feel hopeless and homeless
and lost in the haze of the wine.
Then she leaves, with someone you don’t know.
But she makes sure you saw her.
She looks right at you and bolts.
As she walks out the door,
your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes.
Oh and when your friends say,
“What is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Then you walk, under the streetlights.
And you’re too drunk to notice,
that everyone is staring at you.
You just don’t care what you look like,
the world is falling around you.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You know that she’ll break you in two. |
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| Peter you suck (this is how i feel kind of right now) |
[Mar. 18th, 2009|08:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | gloomy | ] |
"Everybody hates you. Everybody wishes that you were dead. Peter you suck. Peter you suck. Peter your music is fucking terrible. Peter you suck, Peter you suck. Peter, you don't do anything of value. Peter you suck. Go write some music. But instead you sit and write these bullshit songs. It's so self-loathing. Go see a psychiatrist. I hate the psychiatrist. Go see one anyway.I don't like the psychiatrist! Peter, go see one. See a psychiatrist. I'm not going..."
oh man oh man. |
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| so truly masochistic. |
[Mar. 14th, 2009|03:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | flirty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | iglu & hartly- in this city | ] |
so after last night's post i had a few beers and then read my journal archive of every post i made from when i broke up with nick until derek and i crashed and burned. pretty much everything from 2004. why do i do these things to myself? i don't know. i feel like maybe if i go back over everything that led up to this moment of depression over and over again somewhere i'll find clarity or peace of mind or be able to reconcile it somehow that it was "all fated to turn out this way" or something.
the truth is, from what i can tell, i was a mess then and i'm a mess now. only then i kept my emotions in check by snorting coke as often as i could get my hands on it and then i had a phase of sleeping with whoever to validate my pain and now i just drink and go numb. does this mean i'm headed for one of those bubbling-over breakdowns soon? i have an irrational fear of waking up one day and not being sane anymore. like straight up loony. i don't know what the odds are but i could be a prime candidate for going postal. maybe.
but back to the pointless reminiscing. i know that i basically have it together. i do. i have a good job that i love and good friends and a family that's supportive and i take care of myself for the most part, beyond the basics of minimal survival. i can eat out at a good restaurant if i want, buy new clothes when the mood strikes. i know i'm completely loveable because i've been loved by a few men even though i had one foot out the door the whole time in all of those situations.
but for the first time in about 8 years i'm faced with the problem of having to make myself happy rather than depend on someone i don't love as much as he loves me to provide me with that fulfillment. and i'm sure if i stick it out long enough i can do this. but right now i miss falling asleep in someone's arms. and not any specific someone since, as i said before, i had one foot out the door anyways, but just anyone. anyone who can make me feel safe and beautiful. i don't miss sex. i don't miss being responsible for someone else's precious Feelings.
i don't miss the annoyance of trying to decide what to have for dinner. "what are you in the mood for?" "i don't know, what to you want?" "how about chinese." "ugh. i don't want that." "well what do you want?" "i don't know. but not chinese."
i don't miss anniversaries or romantic dinners or "just because" gifts or having to settle for the food network because he wants to watch deadliest catch and i want to watch the hills. i don't care that i have to pump my own gas now and get a stool to reach the things on the top shelf in the cupboard instead of having a man around who will do it for me.
but god, do i miss sleeping next to someone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2009|09:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
moments of intense loneliness followed by moments of apathy or utter peacefulness and god am i just jaded? i don't believe in anything anymore.
i am not accepting applications at this time. don't even ask.
there was a time when just any attention at all would do and i craved it. and i've been asked out by literally 8 different guys this month and none of them are right and none of them could ever understand me.
and the one i like the most of course is the most toxic of them all. he's only mildly attractive in the physical sense but the head games are utterly magnetic. and he's a drinker with no job or prospects and likely no future and he rejects me almost weekly and then hunts me down after last call to pull me aside and tell me he is just scared because in truth he's completely in love with me. agony. pure agony. what kind of masochist does this to herself every saturday night. drunk texts are ridiculous. i only want him because he's bound to hurt me.
but i'm over it. honestly i am. i'm over all of them. except maybe derek. who incidentally just became a father with his new girlfriend stacey who isn't that new considering they've been together practically since he left me circa 2005.....
the only man who ever broke my heart and it still aches for him. because i didn't win? because i couldn't keep him? would i still feel this way if i would have found the strength to cut him out of my life before he beat me to it?
yes i would.
i hate this self reflection.
but i have to admit i'm proud of myself. single since january and no sex. no terrible train wrecks as per usual when i'm newly single. no drunken escapades. no invitations accepted purely out of desire to be loved rather than genuine interest.
i.cannot.be.saved. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2008|10:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
work is going well.
i'm over love. convenience and comfort are much easier.
there is no such thing as being swept off your feet. no such thing as not being able to live without someone.
sometimes i feel so real in the moment and then i look back and i can't tell if i was just faking it. which only serves to convince me that i was probably faking it.
or maybe i'm convincing myself i faked it to cover up the pain of how real it was now that the moment can't be retrieved. relived. recovered.
moment.by.moment. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2008|10:18 am] |
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almost a year post break up. i feel so lost sometimes. i am 25 in about 2 weeks and i have accomplished so little. my life was supposed to be figured out by now. i thought. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2008|12:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
today
was
supposed
to
be
my
wedding
day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2008|10:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
things are going so well. i am drama free for the most part. well my personal life is drama free. danielle's dad died a couple weeks ago...and it is so tragic...i don't have a lot to say about it because i'm exhausted by everything surrounding the whole situation of it these past few months but yeah. i feel bad for danielle... and worse because she felt i wasn't really there for her through it all...and the thing is, I wanted to be there. i just didn't know how to be. she would tell me the progress report of his cancer- how sick he was today and whether he was home or in the hospital and iw ould listen but then she'd say she didn't want to talk about it and what do you say to someone who's parent is dying? "it'll be okay?" it won't be. i just didn't know how to be there for her. and i didn't call her enough. i didn't know how to act. so i guess i was a little distant.
and it led up to him dying. and when he died.... she didn't tell me. i found out from a friend of a friend of hers... which hurt my feelings. and i can't even call her on it because her dad just died. but my feelings are hurt.
i just try to let it go.
michael is the most amazingly wonderful supportive sexy fabulous special perfect loving man i could ask for. i am so in love i want to scream it from the rooftops like some cheesy movie. i'm so lucky to have him in my life. i've never felt like this before.
ron is finally starting to leave me alone...sort of. he keeps randomly popping into my life but it's less and less and my heart is mostly healed.
eh i never have anything to write when i'm happy. |
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| meaningless ramblings |
[Mar. 24th, 2008|05:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | indifferent | ] |
i've been sorting through this breakup for about 3 months now. i don't really understand why things turned out the way they did. i don't understand why i sometimes feel incredibly heartbroken and other times i feel nothing. less than indifferent.
i had a breakthrough yesterday though. i was thinking a lot about why i cheated. why did i sleep with bill? i never had a real answer any of the times anyone has asked me. and yesterday i was thinking about that a lot. i guess it was because saturday was my first family get together since ron and i fell apart. and brian was wanting to know the story of what happened. and i went through the whole thing... the whole monica thing, the whole bill thing from beginning to end. and i haven't really had to tell that story really because when most people ask what happened or whatever i've just been vague, i haven't been able to bring myself to say out loud that my fiance raped someone and i couldn't deal with it. and if i say that to someone, i feel obligated to also mention that i cheated on him...i guess for reasons of full disclosure. i'm not going to lie about it. but also i realized its because i'm scared people will have the same reaction my uncle had... "what a fucking asshole" in reference to ron.
and then i feel like i have to defend him somehow but there's not really any way to defend rape. which is probably why it ended between us. because i can't find any way to connect what he did in my brain. i have no place to put that. i really want to believe that on some level ron is still a good person and i really can't feel that way about him but i can't help loving him and that's about where my brain shuts down.
i can't find a place in my brain to put that image of ron. i can't blame him, even though i do. so i cheated on him. because then the blame is on me. then, i could break up with him. because it would be all my fault. it's just easier that way. and i regret it. but at least i figured out why. because i have no attraction to bill other than as a friend. and i never wanted to hurt ron. i honestly never did. and i really didn't want to hurt myself. but since i can't really face ron if i think he's the bad guy, i made myself the bad guy. i can live with myself.
anyways. i just had to write that down before i forgot. |
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