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i posted this a long time ago and it just made me laugh so..re-post - Cara King [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Cara King

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i posted this a long time ago and it just made me laugh so..re-post [Apr. 13th, 2009|11:09 pm]
Cara King
[mood |entertained]

The 17 reasons women fail in bed
1.MILKING IT
When stroking a guy's dick, don't grab it like a rail and start jerking it like you're milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen arms. The organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped, held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not 2/3 of the way down.
2. ROBOTS
When sucking a guy's dick, don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT
If you've come and don't scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to tell the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his load whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with my white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance won't enhance it. Be grateful you've got a guy who can speak in whole sentences.
5.</b> CLOSING UP</b>
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this moment of joy and love with him. Semen isn't likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases- but this is a risk you should be willing to take for his joy.
6. POOR PRESENTATION
Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7. HANGING AROUND
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he doesn't want to touch you. You should leave the bed. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8.BEING SHY
Always offer the chocolate highway. You know you love It. If you don't like it, still offer it as you can easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10. CLOCK-WATCHING
Never even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon?" If you're blowing him, you'd have to take your mouth off to ask the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should've gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This isn't a time trial but an act of union
between two sexually aware human beings.
11. FISHING
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had most men have had so many partners that it's unlikely you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such a thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex isn't a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard, skillful work. We don't mind that and we've got the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13.</b> BEING POSSESSIVE </b>
If you're lucky to have a creative lover who can satisfy two women at once don't sneer at or reject his suggestion that one of your friends joins you. If he's a real man he's probably doing her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON
Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you trim, go for a nice racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models your man would rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT
When a man has gone to so much trouble to aim his cum right into your mouth, it's rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Bazooka, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like, "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a nice finale to fun and games.
16. BEING UNGRATEFUL
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he's used making love to you - especially if, a) it lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it's always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVOURS
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors. As he drops off into well-deserved sleep, don't ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, sofa, BMW, country cottage?" There is a name for the
practice of mixing sex with material gain -prostitution.
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